accusations
by kawaiiokama
Summary: the US, UK and France are all under the impression that Canada has been engaging in undesirable behavior with Prussia over the phone. a little cracky. not particularly amazing, no actual sex but M to be safe. written purely because i was bored.


**Accusations**

I thought that I was normal once

I thought that I was sane

Until those bunnies came along

And fiddled with my brain.

They hooked up lines and wires

Put thoughts into my head

Of Canada and Russia

going at it in my bed.

Curse you to hell you plot bunnies!

If I write it, you'll be gone

And yes that's well and good until

Another comes along. -.-'

* * *

Has been on internet for twenty hours with no break, resorts to shitty rhymes.

You'd think after all that time on the webs, Hetalia would be mine.

… ಠ_ಠ

Wait, that barely rhymed.

Oh god someone call me a shrink.

* * *

...

"Tea, Matthew?" Arthur offered me the teapot, but I declined.

"Wine?" Francis held out a glass. I shook my head.

"No, he wants coffee, like a real man. Isn't that right… Maddie." Alfred misread the name scribbled in biro on the back of his hand. A confused expression creased his brow. "Wait… that's not right."

I sighed.

"Actually, guys. I'd like to know why im here."

Matthew Williams, better known as Canada, sat between his parents and opposite his brother in a hotel room. Feeling rather as though he was about to be cross examined.

Yeah. Hi.

That would be me.

It wasn't like I'd been misbehaving recently or anything, was it? I cast my mind back, but nothing sprung to mind. Hell, no-one in my family had even acknowledged me for the past two weeks. It was more than a shock to be suddenly mobbed by them as I left the meeting this morning. While on my way to meet someone, too.

And the anxious looks America kept shooting me really, really wasn't helping.

"Well, Matthew." Arthur speaks up and I look to him. He seems concerned, bushy eyebrows thurst downward in a worried frown. "It's like this… we, as your parents, care about you very much, yes?"

I nodded and pushed my hair aside. The fall of blonde was marking the lenses of my glasses.

"And, as your parents, we feel it is our responsibility to-"

"Hey! Don't forget about me!" America lept from his seat. "I care about Maddie too."

"America, my name is Matt." I smile pleasantly and adjust my specs. I'm long past the point of caring that my own brother can't even remember who I am. "The ink smudged. Borrow my pen and you can write it again, eh?"

My brother flushed red and fell silent. Even the lick of hair that sprung erect from his bangs seemed to wilt when he reached for the pen I offered and re-inked the name on his hand.

"Aw… sorry, Mattie. I didn't mean it, I swear I care more about you than these two dicks put together it's just-"

"As. Your. Parents." England interjected, pushing Alfie forcibly back down into his seat. "Francis and I feel that it is your responsibility to discuss with you certain… matters."

"I smell a sex talk, oui?" France, sing-song voice near bursting my eardrums, waved his glass of wine exaggeratedly, blue eyes glittering with mirth. Arthur flushed and cleared his throat.

"Well, no. Not exactly…"

"Oh come now mon amor, we all know zat is why we are here." France's arm, clothed in fine black velvet, wound around England's neck with slick dexterity. Arthur scowled, bashful and awkward, but let it remain.

Perplexed, intrigued, I looked to America. His face had taken on that expression he called concern, although I consider it more of a 'I'm prepared to insert my nose as far as possible into your business and intend to tell you what to do about it' expression.

"Sex talk?" I repeated Francis' words emptily. All three of them nodded, and a great shadow of dread settled over me.

Oh hell no.

Pressing my lips together, placing my palms on the table as I did so, I stood. I was leaving. No way in hell was I going to sit through a sex talk. No no no no. I mean, it was bad enough that they had hijacked me when I had an important engagement, but to tell me stuff I knew in possibly the most uncomfortable circumstance ever, that was just cruel.

"I'm leaving."

"No, Matthieu, it will be fun!"

"No, it won't."

"It will!"

"It won't!" I grab my cell off the table beside my hand and shove it roughly into the pocket of my baggy red hoodie. "I'm leaving. This is just unpleasant."

"Mattie, we all know that this was never going to be pretty." America seized my wrist and dragged me back. Being stronger than I, he had no trouble pulling me into my seat. "But this is for your own good."

"My own good." I scoffed and struggled against him. Goddamn his strength. Really.

"Yes, your own good. Please, Matthew, sit down and pay attention, okay?" England's calm hand on mine, America and I halted the small scrap we were engaged in and met his solemn green gaze.

"But Arthur, I-"

"Matthew, sit down, we are having this talk."

"But I don't want-"

"Matthew." A warning tone. France's arm around his shoulder squeezed affectionately but he snarled and shoved it away.

"But-"

"Matthew!"

"BUT I-"

"MATTHEW!"

"I KNOW ABOUT SEX ALREADY!"

Well, that shut everyone up quite promptly.

Huffing, I pulled my arm from Alfred's grip and tried to tidy myself up a little. England looks mortified, his jaw loose and his eyes widened to dinner plate sized proportions. France looked as though all his birthdays had arrived at once. The ecstatic expression that lit his face was borderline disturbing.

America broke the silence.

"Right, told you so. You owe me twenty bucks." Sitting in the chair beside me, looking quite pleased with himself, he turned to England and held out his hand. My mouth opened in a horrified gape. "I told you he wasn't a virgin."

"Hey, what? You… you were betting on my VIRGINITY?" My mind struggled to comprehend… it was unthinkable! Horrible! In that moment I didn't give a single thought to how powerful America was next to me, I aimed a sharp kick at his shin. What a- a- JERK! He yelped and grabbed his leg. Victory.

"Matthieu, calm down, it was just a little wager, it meant no harm…"

I turned all my fury to France.

"You KNEW about this?"

"Uh…" He ran his fingers through his wavy blonde hair. "Maybe, oui."

"You slimy perverted little- UGH!" my foot stomped angrily against the floor. Words escaped me. I was just so disgusted, but I did manage to drag a small train of thought into a comprehensible phrase eventually. "Why would you guys even bet on something like that? A, it's none of your business, B, if it was I still wouldn't tell you, and finally, I AM a virgin, so shut up and leave me alone!"

Breathless in embarrassment and rage, I flopped backward into my chair, folded my arms across my chest and gave the three of them the most violent death glare I could possibly muster. "Please explain to me why the _fuck_ you thought this would be appropriate."

No-one spoke up. If anything, they all just hung their heads lower, America looked like he wanted to die of shame. Rightfully so. After about two minutes of silence though, he raised his head and peered at me nervously. I glowered at him, and he winced.

"Well, see, it's like this, Maddie-"

"Matthew!"

"Right… Matthew. Sorry. It's just that um… well…"

"Alfred told us he head you screwing Prussia last night, Mattheiu. England didn't believe him, though I was inclined to. You are my child, after all." France shot me a winning grin. America nodded in agreement and England stared pointedly at the floor.

"Well." He murmured in his stuffy, clipped accent. "This is sufficiently awkward…"

And the silence was pregnant with tension.

Had they said… _Prussia?_ As in _Gilbert_?

I opened my mouth, drew in a deep breath, and let out a loud, obnoxious shriek of laughter. _Gilbert?_ Seriously, _Gilbert_? They thought I was… oh maple. How terrific.

Alfred seemed shocked. I could see his face through tears and glasses fogged by my fit of hysteria. I seized his shoulder to support myself. Oh hell I was going to die soon, from laughing so damn hard. How utterly _stupid._ Prussia… lord how classic.

"Matthew, are you okay?"

I shook my head, wheezing for air. My chest was tight and I wondered if soon I would pass out. Which was entirely possible. But just the thought of me getting it on with dear Gilbert was enough to send me back into fits of giggles. My family looked on helplessly as I let the waves of mirth completely overtake my body.

Hell it was satisfying.

Finally, I regained the ability to speak. My cheeks were tracked with tears, my sides ached. But boy, that was the hardest I had laughed in simply ages. Honest.

"Mattie, are you okay?"

I nodded weekly and patted my brothers knee.

"I'm fine… you honestly thought, " Another snort of amusement. "that me and Prussia…"

He nodded, face pink. I shook my head and told him what everyone here already knew without a doubt now.

"Well, I'm not."

"But I could have sworn…"

"Don't worry, it was nothing. Just an argument with someone over the phone."

"An argument?" A suspicious, fine blonde eyebrow disappeared beneath messy blonde bangs. I had to stop and think for a moment. Would the noises he heard pass as an argument? Maybe…

"Well, kinda. Just heard some bad news, had a bit of a cry. Nothing to worry about, really."

My brother seemed satisfied.

"Well." England, obviously incredibly relieved, clapped his hands together and sighed. "I'm glad that misunderstanding is all cleared up. I told you my Canada was a good boy, aren't you, sweetness?"

I nodded and shot him the most winning, innocent smile I possibly could. He mirrored the smile, but France did not. In fact, he seemed almost disappointed.

"And I thought my Matthieu was finally becoming a man…"

"Not yet, papa." I stood, finally, and patted the man on the head. "But don't worry. When I do, you will be the first to know, okay?"

His face lit up, which I assume means he liked the idea. Pleased that I had managed to placate all my relatives, I asked my leave.

"Of course, love. And if you need any help with whatever that phone call was about, just let us know, okay?" Arthur gave me a warm smile and I nodded. America tugged my sleeve.

"If you need anyone bombed…"

"I wont be needing anyone bombed. But thanks for the offer."

I pulled my phone out of my pocket as I left.

Ivan Braginski's phone number was the first on my speed dial. I keyed the code on my way put the door and pressed the receiver to my ear.

"Hello?" A deep, heavily accented man answered, I smiled at the sound of his voice and hurried down the hall, opting for the stairs rather than the lift.

"Hey, Ivan, it's me."

"Matvey, you are late."

"Oui, I know." I hurried across the lobby and out onto the street. There was a taxi by the door, and I wasted no time jumping in. "I'm sorry. I got kidnapped by my family."

"Why?"

"Well…" I bit my lip. The cabbie was looking at me, waiting for instruction. _Eiffel tower,_ I mouthed, and he started the taxi. "They heard me last night, so that was kind of awkward."

Silence on the other end of the line. I giggled.

"Don't worry, they thought it was _Gilbert_. I will be there in a minute, okay? Have you booked a romantic hotel? I'm sick and tired of having to do it over the phone."

...

* * *

I finished writing this in class. Ever tried fanfic in class? It's awful. Every time someone looks at you, you blush furiously and try and hide your screen in case they read it and realise that you have no life.

Kyah…


End file.
